I have a nineteen year old daughter, she is a gorgeous person inside and out. I know I know... I know that anyone with kids can say that about theirs and mean it. I know that there is nothing special about that but but but...every mother child relationship goes through it's ups and downs and each person's relationship with each child is UNIQUE even though most of the time parents love their kids and think they are wonderful there are differences.
In my case I was forced to grow up with my daughter. I was nineteen when I got pregnant. I got married on the 2nd of March, turned 20 on the 2nd of May and had my big blue eyed baby on the 2nd of August.
I had many ideas about motherhood but not one of them was feeling so frazzled sometimes that I felt like throwing her out the window to stop her crying. This made me very ashamed and sad but we got through it and I never even opened the window except to take deep breaths.
When she was five I took her to ballet. When she was six to hip hop dance. When she was seven I took her to hockey. By then I was a single mom with no car so I had to walk or take the bus to the arena with her hockey bag in tow at least twice a week but I did it with pride. She played hockey for three years, during that time her brother was born and we kept it up, along with circus school and highland dancing.
Sometimes it was so hard and I would be walking behind her watching her and feeling all kinds of pressures. You know the usual financial pressures I would think to myself how am I going to pay the rent, get groceries, how will I pay the school fees you get the picture.
I would look at my healthy solid little girl and feel like no matter what everything was well with the world and that I could make anything work and I had no choice but to make everything work because I had this beautiful girl.
Of course I am not perfect and sometimes I was mean and I yelled. I am not pretending that things weren't hard and that I sometimes didn't despair and if it weren't for lots of help from my friends and family I don't know what we would have done.
All I am trying to say is that because I was a mother of this child that particular one who is so special to me and that I saw a bit of myself in...
I was able for the first time in a long time to see myself as beautiful and worthy.
She forced me to become a better person. She taught me to deal with stress because I couldn't let her feel it. She inspired me to be a happy person because I was a role model for her and I knew that what I said had so much less impact than what I did. She taught me to stand up for myself and take good care of myself so that she could benefit from that too.
I just love her so much and it is so rewarding. I know that my being a mother to her will never end but it's alot less work than it has been and I can enjoy her from afar. I'm not the one that she turns to as much anymore unless it's serious she has her friends for that but she still likes me and wants me around.
Yesterday she wanted me to come see her at work and GET THIS me being a design obsessed WOMAN guess where my daughter has worked for the past 3 years Pier 1. I have been going to Pier 1 since it opened. I bought my clothes there when I was sixteen and I still have the paisley purple dress I got there that I wore when I was pregnant with her.
I told her I might go see the new Christmas stuff but she kept pushing and pushing so I may have inadvertently said I would go just to make her stop but I got too busy during the day to go. When she came home she said she told everyone I would go that day and I ditched her so I apologised for the misunderstanding and she could tell I felt bad.
To make me feel better she said: "It's okay Mom Alex (her manager) says that for a mom you love me way more than any other normal mom loves her kid" I laughed but I was really touched by that.
As I said earlier I know that there is nothing special about me and that most of the time parents love their kids ALOT and think they are wonderful but but but...every mother child relationship goes through it's ups and downs and each person's relationship with each child is UNIQUE!
Love you sweetheart
Your Mom xoxo
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