Scary

So I just got home an hour ago and all I do all day is sit at a computer so I sometimes wonder why I signed up for this. It's scary so "Why blog?" that is the question. Well I began by reading other people's blogs.I enjoyed them so much and was so inspired that I started to have thoughts like if I had a blog I would write about this and that. I started jotting notes down in my journal about what I wanted to write about. I tentatively started talking about this idea with my loved ones and I got some encouragement and some discouragement but mostly encouragement. Eventually phrases like: "Vanessa you should really write a blog and tell these stories" coming from my parents accompanied by lots of laughs from all the assembled friends and extended family reinforced my thoughts and I started really thinking hey maybe I can do this.

So I had a vacation that began on the first of October and one of the things on my to do lists was to start a blog. I opened an account on the 5th and set up a template and thought of a name that was comforting to me and then my fear of utter failure and my embarassment at thinking that anyone else could be interested in what I could write or say overwhelmed me so much that I waited another 16 days to write anything. I feel like I will be exposed and humiliated if I write something especially on the internet because I can't burn it or take it back. Now that I've decided to go ahead and just do it I hope that my writing will convey what I want to express in the same way telling a story around the table with my friends and family does because it doesn't have the movements and funny faces to accompany it.

Well today I was so appreciative and feeling so good about my life that I decided to go with the good feelings and fool myself into thinking that nothing could ever go wrong and that even if I fail or look stupid that it's okay. I know all of this intellectually but it is shaken out of my heart and soul once in a while. I live just on the outskirts of the outskirts of Montreal. Growing up I was never too far from the city so when I bought a house in Pincourt I thought that it was REALLY REALLY FAR. It is further out than just the regular suburbs and you have to cross a bridge and actually leave the island of Montreal. You can actually turn right on red lights here! It does take me longer to commute but I have realised that it is not that far and I have a real sense of community here.

We cross the bridge and it is more country here, there are apple orchards, cows and farms and more horses per capita than anywhere else in the province of Quebec. So it doesn't look like a suburb and it doesn't have all of the conveniences that you do when you live in the suburbs and it takes some getting used to because there are no city buses. Don't get me wrong there are no city buses but we do have some public transportation. The inconvenience is that it only runs at rush hour and it's main purpose is to get us to the commuter trains. These buses are at least half the size of a city bus and seat about 20 people not that comfortably and the way they are set up except for about 5 places you are looking straight at eachother. This makes for an intimate setting already then add the fact that chances are you will see the same people every day and that we have an interesting and friendly busdriver that plays jazz and talks to everyone it is like sharing a ride more than taking the bus.

Tonight is Thursday night and I wasn't exhausted due to my vacation but winter is coming in Montreal so I am coming home in the dark and it's only six so I am feeling rather melancholy when I walk up to my bus to see everyone in it bopping around like they are jumping beans or at a party. I walk onto the bus and the music is really loud and then my busdriver asks: "Does anyone have a headache?" and when we all say: "No" kind of curious as to why she is asking this she says: "Good!" and blasts her music even louder and EVERYONE even the least friendly people smiled and bopped. We had a really good time on the bus we all looked at eachother and smiled and loved life and just being alive in that moment with a bunch of strangers on the bus of all places. Then to makes things even better and put a cherry on top of my already good day "for a work day" my busdriver dropped me off at my door as she often does when she is in a good mood. I counted my blessings to live just on the outskirts of the outskirts of Montreal. Far enough from the cynism of the city to allow things like that to happen and little people like me just going about my day to be inspired by a bond with strangers.